That my daughter, my man and myself
get a peaceful time of xmas preperations
feeling close together, happy,

as we buy presents, wrap them,
make cookies, open the calendars,
watch xmas tv, partcipate in social xmas happenings...

I wish our December
will be full of loving togetherness.

Both in our threesome home
and in our circles of family and friends.

I wish every human being on our earth
can  feel loving togetherness
this December.

No more.
No less.
A lot.

I thank Excistence
for providing us
with everything we need.

Promise
standing by one´s word
integrity kept sacred

I very rarely promise
as it´s not easy to
predict the future

"inch Allah" as the moslems say;
"if God wants".
How can a human being
guarantee anything at all?

I promise to do my best
is an ok one.
To the best of my ability.

The most difficult one I made...
I actually don´t know.
Promising to keep my daughter´s
father´s identity hidden
was a quite hard one.
I had to let a couple of close friends know
the truth, so I could vent somewhere.
But I did keep that promise,
and I am happy to have learnt from it
that I have strength I didn´t realize I had.

No, I actually don´t know
which promise was the most difficult.
I don´t make them,
because it´s of utmost importance to me
that I don´t break them.

On the rare occasion that I do make a promise
it´s because I "know" I can keep it.
And then the promise is easy, not difficult.

Or maybe I´ve just repressed the memories
of difficult promises that I´ve broken.
Hahahaha... No. Or? Hahahaha...

My own True Self
my Higher Self

I am my witness

Possibly also the
collective consciousness

What is important is
that no one judges

I don´t perform
I express

presentation of content
coming through me
not made by me

I don´t believe in
honour and shame

I don´t believe in
life as a comparison game

I don´t believe in
guilt or judgment either

I don´t believe in
God/Satan-divide, neither

the "good" nor the "bad"
gives me value from the outer
my soul validates me
there´s no need for a shouter

An audience of listening
wordlessly resting;
the vast yet voidless
silence of within

Karma I understand to be
pattens
established previously, repeated until
internalized, so one does not know
it is outside one´s self.
(Like swimming, one des not think of the techniques whilst one is doing it).

To get rid of karma
is to become aware
and thus enabled
to change
the patterns in the self
so as not to pass on
painful dysfunctional patterns
from one´s parents onto
one´s children.

An other way of operating
with the concept of karma
can be the law of cause and effect.
We create our reality
by attracting
situations and circumstances
through our thoughts.
"I think thereby I experience."
To twist Descarte´s famous quote.

So when I do something negative,
it attracts negative consequences.
Karma.

Karma is a concept used in many different ways.
I find it a bit difficult to use, since it has so many meanings.

When I´m tired, needing rest.
When I´m cold, needing warmth.
When I´ve missed my man, and I can see him in the kitchen window.

When I´ve picked up my daughter from kindergarten,
and there´s a surprise for her waiting for her in the house.

When we´ve been to Norway to see family and friends,
and we arrive back home. Tension lets go in my shoulders, my stomach,
as we get off the ferry, walk on shore, and 4 minutes later see the
dark orange lamps in the kitchen windows.

Coming home. The place where all my needs are taken care of.
Coming home. The space to chill, to laugh, to cry, to eat and sleep.
Coming home. Sweet, sweet safe haven of feeling free.

I totally love getting older!
As a kid, I already felt old.
Yet I was inexperienced.
Getting older in earth years increases inner calm and strength.
(it requires reflection,though, I´m not saying all older people are well developed)!

I´ve always prefered the company of older people.
Who know themselves.
And therefore have a sense of grounding,
They tend to weigh their words better.
And not freak out so easily over a conflict,
whether emotional, internal, or in a relationship.
They know from experience that this too will pass.

So what I most look forward to about getting older,
is
getting wiser.

That they are

happy
accepting
non-judgmental

honest
fair
open

light hearted
optimistic
generous

considerate
trusting
relaxed

The tranquility of the surrounding nature
the disarmed, friendly tone towards strangers in this village
the cuteness of our straw-thatched little house from 1789

the sheltered garden no one can look into for greenery in the Summer
the crookedness, low ceilings and slanted roofs / lack of straight walls,
(no doubt I´d miss it if I didn´t live here anymore, even though these things annoy me
for their impracticality)

the half moon shaped windows, sticking out of the straw in a tunnel-like fashion
the old wooden floors
the cosy kitchen (although it is narrow and impractical)

the quiet hood, the sound of muffled voices passing by on a saturday night
the big bathroom, and the tiny one
the empty room, where one can close the door and soundwise separate from all

the neighours, helpful and sweet and social
the feeling of us that our home gives us, the threesome unit living here now
- a home is more the energy of the people involved, than pure architecture.

I hate the word naive.
It implies that it is wrong to trust.
To be positive, optimistic.

I simply do not accept the concept of naive-ness.
It is the obusing of trust that is wrong, not the trusting.

It´s cool to be a cynic?
To say "haha, I told you it couldn´t be done." ?
Well, keep that.
I´m not interested.

I think that nothing is impossible.
That imagination is the only limitation.
How naive?
No.
How healthy.

To be rid of this cold
have my energy back
so I can get xmas shopping done
and be smiling and patient

Then to get done the meetings next week
student grant bank
job centre
kindergarten board
parent meeting
contact lenses people
and the one with the clairvoyant
(That last one is the only one I´m looking 4ward to)!

Basically to be free from the have-tos
-that´s what I want right now.

To be light-hearted
non-chalant
to feel truely
that there is no deal big enough
to justify worry

The question of limitations.
Unconditional means no limits.

I find it hard to protect my self worth
if someone treats me disrespectfully
if I just turn the other cheek.

I have a need to stand up for myself.
Is that an ego thing? Dignity? Self defense?

At what time or sign does one leave
a lover who hurts one´s feelings?

Some times it is more loving to leave.
?
When a twosomeness is poisonous,
giving grief instead of support.

Un conditional. No matter what.
But to love does not have to mean
to be together.
?

I still love my ex men.
I wish them the best. Happiness.
But no way would I want them
back into my life.
I love them on condition that they
stay at a safe distance from me?!
:)
I guess I can´t claim to love them, then?

Tricky thing, this limitlessness...

Is there a good thing about anger?

Anger is sorrow, twisted. Stuck, half forgotten sorrow come out as anger.
Nothing wrong with sorrow.
Nothing wrong with anger either.
One must also accept one´s not so presentable emotions.

Anger feels upsetting. Hence it is not a wishable state of mind.
When at peace, there is no anger.
When happy, there is no anger.
Anger is connected to fear. Not love.

Anger often feels good, at least afterwards. To me.
Cleansing. Like I´ve gotten rid of some inner pressure.
Venting.

Bottled up held back reactions
build up a pressure within
that creates a need for expressing
-at least it´s like that for me.

I´ve found that the sooner I can manage to express my reactions
the less anger in the expression.

What is the best thing about anger?
Its function as a vent.
Followed by increased inner peace.

The irony is that with enough inner peace
there is no need for venting with anger.

Happy and Peaceful
         
         -  Bliss  -

Connecting
with the Higher
or what to call the non-callable

Calling
on support, on manifestation
of one´s will

Compassionately
asking for strength
to create constructive change 

Why am I here?
What is death?

All I know for sure is
breath

meeting the clearvoyant person yesterday
first time in my life
she saw! my closest ones
and described both them and me so well
without knowing nada about me

she said my helper said I´d be ill today
I didn´t think so. But. This is the first time
I rise from the sofa since this morning
I´m completely wacked out

I will go to a course which she teaches
Very exxciting
February

This meeting was
of major importance to me
A cornerstone in my further growth
as I receive help to turn inwards
to work with my inner re source

It took my breath away
or was of inspiré;
meaning breathing in God, inspiration,
it gave me extra depth of breath

Feel so grateful

When i have been
understood, heard and seen
at depth, as who I am

When I have felt within
enthusiasm
that I share in something
of amazing worth

When I have known
I am in the right place
and it is the right time
now
for me to
rise and shine

I have been the most happy
since I moved here
to my new island universe
off the Danish coast

I have never been happier
than I am these very days.
Just this fact in itself
makes me feel extremely
moved, grateful and happy.

Give time
give attention
give love

Where it is needed
where you heart tells you to go

Don´t forget the inward
give your Self time
talk with and nourish your Self
and from there
share your care
outward

Open, personal conversation
Direct, warm glances
Noticing I am being included

Scents of rituals, be it incence or christmas dinner     (rituals: repeated acts)
Sights of Norwegian mountain-fjord landscape in snow
Sounds of mellow melodies with brave and true lyrics

Skin to skin contact
Heart to heart contact
With-in-tuition contact

Feeling connected

Lifts my spirit
 

At a concert 28 .of April. -07.
Ladysmith Black Mombazo.
South African acapella band.
(Featured on PaulSimon´s album "Graceland").

Me and my girlfriend came early to the theatre,
as I had left my ticket at home.
There, sitting resting their backs against the stage,
in the place where I normally sit before a gig,
were two men.
So we sat next to them. And talk was easy.

After the (wonderful) concert we brought them along, to a bar,
as they were foreigners visiting our town.
All four of us got on real well.

Later in the night he asked me to dance.
As we held each other and found the slow rhythm,
I realized.
Specialness.

My daughter
(she´s 4)
this morning
she said to me
"you are the most beautiful woman in the world!"
One hundred % serious, sincere.
It´s mindblowing to discover a new human being
expressing itself with innocence and fresh perspectives
reminding me that sarcasm and irony
are not really reality.

From that heartmelting outburst
we went on to talk about death
as our rented car last night hit a fox
on the dark road, it was dead by the time
we got out of the car (my daughter of course did not see it)

So I told her it has now left its body, flown out of it,
and it did hurt when we hit it, but once dead nothing hurts anymore.

She talked about the fox a lot last night and again this morning
and it is a gift of an opportunity to shed some words, spread some light
onto the ultimate issue of life; death.

I told her the fox is free, free from its body, to go anywhere it wants to be,
that its consciousness is the same (thoughts and feelings),
it´s just left its body as it is now finished with it.

I told her the fox can fly like a bird, and it can see us even though we can´t see it
(though some people actually can see the dead, and talk with them).
(Here my daughter said that then they probably use sign language..)

We have had other talks about death too, when someone we knew have died.
I think it is extremely important to talk openly about sensitive subjects.
She will soon discover society´s taboos.
By then I want her to know she can always talk about anything at home,with me.

I do give her my versions, my views, my faith or theories about it all.
But I also am very clear about not knowing.
That there are lots of things about life that nobody knows.
That every person must find his or her own theory about why, and where next.

The question mark is what makes life interesting.
If we knew it all, it would not be exciting.
Not knowing is normal, and not a problem.
The unknown is not dangerous.
Fear is no necessity, it´s just the opposite of love.
So we can sense Love better, in contrast with fear.

Anyways. Yes.
Talking with my daughter
makes me smile.

The now settled sureness
that I am where I am to be
in the arms of my man it is safe
and in the circles of likeminded women
my spirit is thriving, soul unfolding

In this phase of finished wondering
I am now ready
to act
towards growing goals
of printing poetry
and making my beats

And the utmost of all;
to remove the spiral
and receive
one more child
mixed in harmony between my sweet music man and me
in Love, of Love, for Love
our fourth core family member
No more fear connected to this thought anylonger.

Motivating me recently:
Lack of fearful "but what if" -thoughts
Knowing that my scribblings are of value to other people
My success with learning tv production, especially editing, the technicalities
Meeting the clairvoyant one, and being on my way to learning more from her.
Dancing with "the Lifedancers" and chanting with the Soka Gakkai buddhists.

My heart overflowing with joy,
so at home in myself,
with my daughter
and my man.

Thank you, Life.

Snowy stillness.
White serene quiet landscapes.
Sound effects all crunchy, cosy.
Frost breath.

Staying indoors.
Candles, wood burners. Smell of heating.

Socializing in small groups, in homes.
Private, intimate communicating.

Staying at home, dwelling deeper inside one´s self.
Spending time alone, playing with expressions.

Winter.
Resting. Listening. Brewing.
Going under covers, so to speak,
sowing secret seeds,
of babies to be birthed
after Summer next year,may be,
babies, as in songs and scenes, stories

In winter there is time to sit still.
Non action is needed to hear the inner stirrings.
The hardest part. Not to act.
Winter helps.
One to sit still and listen.

Soft snow.

Year 8
my lucky number
the biggest adventure of this past year has been
the move
to a new homeland
new safe home haven
playfully free
nourishing me
in ways I didn´t know could be!

Year 8
an adventure
of life
changing direction